If your kids are anything like mine, you get at least one homemade present every time your birthday or Father’s Day rolls around. It could be a handmade card, a collage, or some kind of little cardboard box. For me, there’s one homemade present that is more memorable than any of the others of I’ve received since. For the purposes of this story the words “homemade” and “present” are taken very loosely. Warning! Things are going to get gross!!!
This happened about 10 years ago. I had been a father for exactly two weeks. It was my birthday, which happens to be exactly two weeks after my son’s birthday, and it was about 6:00am. My then infant son had just woken up and needed to be changed. Since my wife was only two weeks out from having given birth, I gave her a few more minutes to sleep before she had to get up to feed him while I changed his diaper.
By this point I wasn’t exactly a novice at changing diapers — I’d been changing them for two weeks now after all — but I wasn’t a diaper changing expert either. So, I went to work changing his diaper and getting him ready for his next feeding.
I stripped him down, and got him into position. Now, our bedroom was small and we didn’t have a changing table in there, so I was changing him on the bed. To all you new dads out there, this can be a dangerous move, especially when changing such an infant, because once some cool air hits an infants private bits they’re likely to let loose with a little tinkle. That said, sometimes changing a baby on the bed is just more convenient if for no other reason than you have a lot of room to work, unlike with a changing table that only gives you one side to work with and can usually be piled up with other stuff (often the case in my house).
So there we are, wife snoozing as I’m stripping off the baby’s diaper. I have him in position, feet up in the air so I can wipe him down and put on a fresh diaper when I get hit with the mother of all “homemade presents.” I was sitting on the bed cross-legged, which turned out to be a good thing, because a liquid brown jet of infant poop came shooting out of him and hit me squarely in the lap.
We’d heard of the baby pee guards before, but never invested in one. I don’t think that would have helped in this situation anyway.
Now you may be wondering, why was it was a good thing that I was sitting cross legged on the bed? I’ll tell you, it’s because all the poop landed on me, and none of it landed on the sheets, saving me from having to strip the bed and throw the sheets in the wash.
So I clean up my son and get him in a diaper to prevent another homemade present from splattering me, clean myself up, and wonder what else might be in store for me on my birthday. While I’m very appreciative of the cards and other homemade presents my kids make for me, none will be quite as memorable as that particular “present.” If you’re worried that one of your babies might have a special homemade present ready for you, maybe you should put a splatter guard on your wishlist.